Metamorphosis

This time of year brings back many memories. Fall changes everything in the air; smells, textures, colors, it's all in the process of metamorphosis. This time of year, in 2004, I was in the middle of a divorce. I had made the decision to move out of my house (his house), and move into MY house. Seeing as I had a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and no job, this was going to be difficult to say the least. But I had decided to make it happen. So, I prayed, and then I prayed some more, and more. You get the idea. Finally one day I had some news that my aunt and uncle's rental mobile home was vacant and the rent was only $200 a month. It was a quick walk right through the woods to my parents home, and I knew my boys would love that! Excitedly, my dad and I went to check it out. It was hard to swallow. Holes in the wall (I could see the OUTSIDE from the inside), rats nests in the oven – it was falling apart. My dad looked at me, I looked at him. He said something like, “we can make it work.” I believed him – I always believe my daddy. So, the work began. I watched my dad constantly turn trash to treasure, he made something out of nothing over and over again. He used scraps and leftovers from other projects. We painted, hammered, patched and prayed. My mom cleaned and cleaned until the whole place reeked of the wonderfully sanitized smell of Clorox. The day came and 5 elders from the church in 3 pick-ups moved everything I owned all in one trip, and then unloaded it in my new home. It was home. The metamorphosis had begun. From wife to single mom, homeowner to renter, together to alone. What should have been a sad day, and I did shed a few tears, ended up being remarkable. I KNEW I could make it, I was independent, my boys were happy and I would be okay. To this day my boys still comment about how much they loved our little “trailer in the woods,” It was the happiest stop on earth. They often recount their wonderful memories of that home. I felt like it was a spot blessed from above. I discovered through this process that I thrive on independence. Being forced to make all the decisions all the time brought me “back to life,” and it was a good life. A family member told me, “It's so nice to have Christy back.” Perhaps we all need a "metamorphosis" in our lives, perhaps we all need something to bring us "back to life.”
Photos taken in October 2004 on the property where I was renting:

Clouds

I aimed my camera heavenward today and snapped a shot of these beautiful clouds. I don't know why I took this photo - maybe it was just because the clouds were so perfectly "pillowish," or maybe it was because today is the only day I will stand under THIS sky. Life changes so fast, from instant to instant, breath to breath.
The flu has run like wildfire through my home for the past two weeks. We are finally coming out of its clutches and I am feeling so thankful. It was a great joy to witness these beautiful clouds, another day. Fall is here and I can already picture its warm colors perforating the skyline. Sometimes it's just enough to be alive.

Joy in Your Posterity

My children make me happy, they make me crazy, ill, frustrated, proud, jubilant, joyous, afraid [insert your own adjective here], being a mother causes one to run the gamut of emotions! Yet it's this very roller coaster ride that causes me to wake up each morning glad to be alive, happy to have another day to be a mom, blessed just to have those sweet spirits around me for a little longer. In the end, it is this joy and/or pain that children bring that makes my life so fulfilling. This week's joy:

~Having Caleb recommend a book to ME, instead of vice versa. WOW. It's a book I haven't read too. I'm very excited about this.
~Having Lacey request a “group hug” from her brothers.
~Having Dylan tell me, “I need to get organized.” I had to ask him to repeat that one!
~All my boys had their noses in a book on the way to school this morning.
~Watching and listening as Lacey sang her baby doll to sleep.
~Cody finally setting his own alarm clock and waking himself now.
~Watching Lacey dance -- I fight the tears back every week!
~Caleb, “It's okay if I outgrow you Mama. That just means I'll be able to take care of you better one day.”

Little moments, sweet memories, joy in my posterity.

Dance

Lacey is absolutely loving dance! From day one she walked right in and found her “polka dot” on the floor. Today was her third dance class, and the first day she paid me any attention at all! She is usually focused in on the teacher and won't even look at me. Today she decided to look at me while videoing and she got all confused! I'll hide next time!
In those sweet baby blue eyes I can see her determination and her resolve to do well. She concentrates and for the most part is very focused. Part of me wants to say, “Lighten up, just have fun.” But, people have been telling me that for years and it has never worked!! I can see so much of me in her personality, some things I wish I could change. I just hope she finds good friends who will love her and accept her for whatever she becomes – even if she is too “serious” and even if she does need to “lighten up.”
I wanted to take dance as a child, it just wasn't in the budget. I wrote story after story about ballerinas and a magical world full of dancers – my mom still has these stories. Every time we would go to the library, I'd find a book about ballet. Now, I have the opportunity to have a little ballerina of my own and it's thrilling. I am just so thankful for the opportunity. What a blessing.

Missing

School in in session, and I miss my boys terribly. Several years ago, when Lacey was an infant and very mommy dependant, I was excited for the boys to return to school. Now that Lacey is not so attached, I had a summer where we all could do things together. We could take walks, swim, just enjoy the break. Now that they are back in school, the alarm clock, the homework, the football practice – it all seems to get in the way. It makes me miss them – the quality time – so much. I miss waking up to boys “camped” on the living room floor, casually pouring pancake batter on the griddle (because we had no schedule). I miss the hours of Slip & Slide, and late movie nights. Precious times. Maybe it was my imagination, but the weather seemed a bit cooler this morning as we loaded up the van. We still have many hot days of summer, just not many “free” days. I am thankful for every moment I am given to enjoy my children. I wonder if they miss me...

Peeking through the trees - sneaking a photo.

Moment

What a moment. A few weeks ago, before school started back, I caught Dylan furiously writing on little white slips of paper. I didn't want to interrupt him, but I couldn't help myself. I asked him what he was writing and he said, “I'm writing all about my favorite parts of summer vacation. If I don't write it, I might forget. I had so much fun that I don't want to forget.” Needless to say, I broke into a mile wide smile. He was writing ,voluntarily, and he was enjoying it! This was one time spelling errors and such didn't bother me one bit. He loved our vacation and didn't want to forget any part of it – priceless moment!

Write. Wrote. It has been written.

After a talk with my mother, we've concluded that I should not be a hermit. Maybe I should be more “hobbitish” and enjoy the comfort of dear friends, but fiercely exclude all that could be deemed villainous. I keep asking myself, “what is the point?” After pondering and researching, I LOVE to research, bear with me here, I'm basking in my geekdom; I found this spectacular quote:

“We sleepwalk through most of our lives and every once in a while something happens outside ourselves that forces us to pay attention in a new way...And we suddenly realize that the world is so much richer, and more magnificent, and more wonderful than we had felt for a long time."
--Scott Russell Sanders

Eureka! This is the point! These magnificent moments seem to be finding there way into my life quite often lately. Perhaps it is because I am in constant effort to find and enjoy them. Seeing the world in a “new way” makes each day something unique, a challenge. Just to notice the color of the leaves or the smell of the air can be invigorating. How many people who have passed on would havegiven anything to have just one more day on earth, even if they came back in the middle of a horrendous hailstorm? And yet here we are, living breathing, we have heaven all around us. Nextly, I love to write. I'm not much on crowds and speaking up to be heard, but writing – ahhh, it is that first breath of salt air at the ocean, that one little snowflake fluttering to the ground that might mean school is out, it's the way you felt the first time you kissed the man that would one day be your husband. Get the picture? I have to write.

Still there is this one “bite” that I can't swallow, and that is how to deal with those who do not like me. Those who read my blog just to have someone to make fun of. Those who take what I write and somehow claim that I am bashing them. Not hardly. I would not waste my energy. I guess I will always have to guard my heart, my blog, to some extent. However after giving a friend advice this week to not let mean people “run her off.” I must take my own advice and not be forced into hiding. Maybe a break here or there, but not into hiding. I know I'm not doing or saying anything wrong or hurtful, and as long as I know this, I have some shelter from fear, from people who have hate in their hearts.

Thank you my friends whom endure my rantings and bouts of indecision. Thank you , Mama. I'm so blessed to have you still in my life. Five years, cancer free this month.

The Point?

Just wondering, really what's the point? This blog thing – I love it one day, hate it the next. I like to write what I think, what it on my mind. I DO LOVE to write. I like to chronicle my life and the lives of those of love. It's a journal of sorts, with photos included. BUT – don't most people hide their journals under their mattress or something? I have never hidden my handwritten journal, but it's only in the vicinity of near and dear, trusted family members. So, I have my heart out on my sleeve so everyone can read it – WHY? I don't have an answer. I think life is just easier when I take the advice of my husband. He basically stays out of everything and everyone's way. Can't get hurt, can't get talked about, you can't talk about anybody because there is no one to talk to when no one is there. Do I need people to read about my life – or do I just need to live it (and write about it) like “they” aren't there? Wasn't it Emerson who promoted a life of solitude? I'll have to research that, my brain is slowly leaking info and Ralph Waldo may have just fallen out. Maybe I could get out of crisis mode if I stayed away from that which causes the crisis.
I HAVE to update my business blog, business Facebook, business site. I'm thinking that my personal life should no longer be everyone else's “business.”
Or maybe I just need a break, some space from Blogspot. Bottom line, I just don't want to “deal” anymore. I think I need to revert back to a former self, a “closed book,” an “enigma.” I've been doing a lot of walking lately, and when I walk I think. I think of lots of topics to write about, my take on life and it's struggles. I begin to type and I think again, what's the point? I usually call a friend when I feel this desire to shut off all of humanity and be a hermit. This time I'm just going to be a happy loner. Maybe my desire for solitude will last three days or three months. I really don't know. What I do know is that I will be walking (exercising), thinking, reading, writing (I have a book in my head that needs to get out, a fiction novel), studying scriptures more, enjoying my family, planning for my young women group, living – all in private. If this is a phase, I'll see you all next week. If not, sorry I missed you, please feel free to leave a message.

"None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone."

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Spiders and Flies

The classic poem, "The Spider and the Fly" is a favorite of mine. I read it to my classes at the beginning and end of every school year when I taught. Many times throughout the year, when I noticed something was "afoot" I would say, "Remember spiders and flies" and they knew what I meant. I also read the poem to my children before school starts. Trickery and flattery have been around for a very long time. I have fallen prey in my lifetime to people pretending to be something they are not, pretending so that at some point they could "drag you up the winding stair." It happens to everyone at some point. I just hope my children are wise enough to figure out the plots, plans, and secrets of evil people and stay far, far away. Public schools are, no doubt, full of spiders.

The Spider and the Fly
Mary Howitt

Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly,
'Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there."
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."


"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high;
Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly.
"There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin,
And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!"
Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said,
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!"


Said the cunning Spider to the Fly, " Dear friend what can I do,
To prove the warm affection I 've always felt for you?
I have within my pantry, good store of all that's nice;
I'm sure you're very welcome -- will you please to take a slice?"
"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "kind Sir, that cannot be,
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see!"


"Sweet creature!" said the Spider, "you're witty and you're wise,
How handsome are your gauzy wings, how brilliant are your eyes!
I've a little looking-glass upon my parlour shelf,
If you'll step in one moment, dear, you shall behold yourself."
"I thank you, gentle sir," she said, "for what you 're pleased to say,
And bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day."


The Spider turned him round about, and went into his den,
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again:
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly,
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly.
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing,
"Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing;
Your robes are green and purple -- there's a crest upon your head;
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!"

Alas, alas! how very soon this silly little Fly,
Hearing his wily, flattering words, came slowly flitting by;
With buzzing wings she hung aloft, then near and nearer drew,
Thinking only of her brilliant eyes, and green and purple hue --
Thinking only of her crested head -- poor foolish thing! At last,
Up jumped the cunning Spider, and fiercely held her fast.
He dragged her up his winding stair, into his dismal den,
Within his little parlour -- but she ne'er came out again!


And now dear little children, who may this story read,
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed:
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye,
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

Mary Howitt
poem first published in 1829

FOUR

So, before I get completely off my vacation kick, I left out one important milestone that occurred while we were in the mountains. On Lacey's third birthday, Travis and I celebrated our four year wedding anniversary. Travis is such a wonderful husband, he enables me, through his support, to dream and do things I never thought I could. Being his wife is easy and fulfilling. He loves me more than he loves himself – he is the most selfless person I have ever met. I love his humor, his work ethic, and that he loves me back – no doubts. I often search for “Everybody Loves Raymond” re-runs just to hear him laugh out loud. I also got him several seasons on dvd. Simple things make him happy; just being together is enough. Here's to eternity...

(It is my plan, really, to get a photo with me in it – I just have way too much fun behind the camera!).