The only "Me"

I was particularly inspired by my friend (and published author) Jayne's blog entry entitled, “How Will They Remember You?” This is seriously a question I ask myself at least once a week lately. I get very worried that I haven't worked hard enough or accomplished enough in the time that I've been given.

I think Jayne makes a great point though. It's the little things we want to know about those that have gone before us. How did they celebrate birthdays? What was their favorite subject in school? Hobbies? My paternal grandmother died before I was born. There's nothing I wouldn't give to sit and read her journal. I'm told I'm so much like her – yet I really know nothing about her. I wish there had been some record of her life raising ten children on a farm. I've seen her beautiful quilt work, but I will never know what her handwriting looked like or what she thought about her world.

Leaving a legacy (even though it's not star studded or particularly glamorous) is slowly taking on new meaning for me. It's not so important that I've not accomplished BIG things, but that I write down the little things that make me tick, share the little joyful moments that keep me going.

There will never be another me on this earth. Ever. I'm not a superstar, or a hero, or a world class athlete - but I'm the only ME that will ever exist on this earth. That alone warrants a written record.

“You are so busy being YOU that you have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Jane Seymour

Let me take a moment to be a complete FAN. I've been a fan of Jane Seymour for a long time. If I remember correctly her character on Dr. Quinn got married in May 1995. I got married, for the first time, in May 1995, so the wedding date stuck with me. I loved Dr. Quinn and East of Eden, Somewhere in Time, and yes, I'm a total fan of the actress. However, it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I became a fan of Jane Seymour, the person. Jane the philanthropist.

I'm always surfing around on YouTube at night when my husband is watching some dreadful television show that I wont watch. One evening I stumbled upon this video.

When I started reading more about Jane's life I found myself saying over and over, “Me too,” and “that exact same thing happened to me,” and “ my mom says the same thing” and “I believe what you are saying,” and “I've been saying the same thing.” Well, you get the idea. I believe in her Open Hearts philosophy (or her mother's philosophy). I believe in working hard and getting up each morning and doing the best you can. I believe in working through adversity and hard times by doing something good for someone else. I even believe in being friends with my ex. I swear, I'm her sister from another mother. Ha!

I you haven’t ever heard Jane speak on “Open Hearts” you really need to put some ears on and listen. At a time when so many celebrities are behaving badly, she is a light in the midst of the darkness. As a celebrity, she has the unique position to speak to people and they listen! She chooses to use her influence to be uplifting and inspiring – a rarity. She has the presence to influence thousands, and she is doing just that.

I also admire Jane's love for her family. She glows as a mother and grandmother and I believe her heart resides wherever her family is. And yes, I bought an open hearts necklace – actually I made my husband buy it. I hope she earns millions with her jewelry line too, because of the message that comes along with it. I know, if I were her mother, I would be so very proud that my child had used her position in life for the good of others.

If you need a little "uplifting," I highly recommend Jane's book, "Remarkable Changes." Lots of inspiring stories and insight!

Crossroads

Something very strange happened last week. My husband was out-of-state on business, three of my children went out-of-town with grandparents, and one was with a friend at the beach. Where was I? Home. Alone. For. Three. Days. First time this has happened in 15 years.

I've been struggling a lot lately with my quickly changing role of “mother.” I've devoted the last 15 years to my children. I've worked from home doing photography and sewing custom boutique children's clothing. Now, my children, ages almost 8 – 18 are all in school all day. There are no diapers to change. I don't have to dress anyone, nurse anyone, brush anyone's teeth. They are very independent. I'm glad! But I'm lost....

I think it's time for me to try new things, to get out there in society. Honestly, the idea of sewing all day long alone in studio for another year just makes me cringe. I've been writing more, which I love, but it's still a very solitary activity. I still have to be a mother first and foremost. I still will pick my kids up from school and cook dinner, etc. But what I need now is a new opportunity, a new adventure. I suppose I can't just sit here and wait for an opportunity to knock on my door, but I haven’t looked for one in so long, I'm not sure where to start. This is where my frustration begins.

Where do I look? What do I do? Pre-motherhood I competed for seats in orchestras, I did public speaking contests and recited dramatic monologues just for the fun on it. But opportunities were EVERYWHWERE 15 years ago. Now, they are hiding and I'm not a talented “seeker.”

I like to be busy. I like to work. I can guarantee that whatever new endeavor I attempt, I will probably be the one trying too hard. I'm hard on myself, but I want stellar results, so I don't know any other way to be.

Last week, while I was alone, I shopped. I tended my potted plants and my garden. But mostly I did a lot of thinking. I'm nearly 40. My life is different and I want to find a way to embrace and enjoy it. I'm at a crossroads. It's an unnerving spot to sit, in my opinion. I need to find my opportunity – while still fulfilling all roles of wife and mother.

I'm ready. My heart is open.

It's Okay to Fall Apart

I somehow have the ability to pick myself up and carry on in the midst of adversity. It doesn't mean I don't fall apart, occasionally, I just don't do the falling publicly.

At 16 I was set on becoming a professional flutist. I was strongly considering leaving my current high school and attending the Governor's School for the Arts. I practiced hour upon hour. It was all I wanted to do. I always believed if I worked hard enough, I could do anything. Work. Work. Work.

I knew I had lots of trouble hearing people in quiet conversations. I could never hear my friends talk to me in class. I asked people to repeat themselves all the time. Upon a hearing evaluation, we learned that my hearing was very bad and it's was the specialists opinion that it would continue to worsen. A deaf flautist?? I was crushed. I remember climbing to the top of a large oak tree in our backyard and bawling. Somehow though, I still believed that if I worked hard and kept going, everything would be alright. Thankfully, I am 39 and I'm not deaf yet. I have severe hearing loss and depend on hearing aids, but I can hear!

Though I kept playing and practicing, and still do, I knew I could not risk a career in music when there was such a possibility of deafness. I went to college and majored in English, my second love. Throwing myself into literature helped me move past my disappointment and move on. I'm the only person in my family that has ever graduated from college.

Fast forward a few years. I was married – 10 years, two children. My boys were ages 4 and 2. Though I knew there were problems in my marriage, I really felt like I had a good life. That this was the way it was supposed to be?? I made myself believe that my marriage was healthy. Then he left. He left me for another woman. Not only that but a whole huge slew of things were out on the table and I was clueless. Blindsided. How could someone I trusted SO TOTALLY do this to me? I felt like a complete idiot. I felt like a naive fool. I had nothing, not a cent to my name. My husband and everything I thought I had was gone.

I would be strong all day long. I didn't want my boys to see me upset. Bedtime would come and the boys would sleep and I would lose it. I cried it out, every night for a very long time. I even remember waking from a dead sleep and I would still be bawling.

It's funny how now I can look back and see how those moments made me stronger. I knew more, I understood more, and most importantly, I knew I could handle pain. I now had some armor in my arsenal.

My point is this. We all fall apart. We are human. However, it's how we handle heartache and hard times that makes us who we are. So go ahead, allow yourself time to grieve. Check into the hotel and cry on their fancy pillows. BUT – don't unpack. You don't live there. Your stay in the Heartbreak Hotel should not be a long one. Take some time to pick up the pieces and MOVE ON. Re-focus and re-invent yourself. I promise, on the other side there is a new, more wonderful you waiting in the wings ready to begin anew.

Dylan and Caleb (13 and 15 years)

I'm learning, please bear with me...

I've changed the name of this blog “umpteen” times. I finally figured out the nature of my dilemma. My blog titles were much too specific. Those of you who know me well, know that I “re-invent” myself on a regular basis. I LOVE to try new creative outlets, and when I find something I love to do, I put 100% into it. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. The title of my blogs have often reflected what I was “into” at the moment because that's what I felt like writing about. When I am being creative, I am happy, and when I am happy, I want to write about it! My heart is full and I want to get it out in print so I can see the manifestation of my overflowing heart on the screen. So, that's it; a nice broad title that can encompass all of my schemes and endeavors from here on out. Full Hearts. I'm also a huge fan of Jane Seymour, who is always inspiring people to keep an open heart. If you haven't heard her message, check it out! Is your heart full of love? Is your heart open to receiving love and happiness? I sure hope so.