Crossroads

Something very strange happened last week. My husband was out-of-state on business, three of my children went out-of-town with grandparents, and one was with a friend at the beach. Where was I? Home. Alone. For. Three. Days. First time this has happened in 15 years.

I've been struggling a lot lately with my quickly changing role of “mother.” I've devoted the last 15 years to my children. I've worked from home doing photography and sewing custom boutique children's clothing. Now, my children, ages almost 8 – 18 are all in school all day. There are no diapers to change. I don't have to dress anyone, nurse anyone, brush anyone's teeth. They are very independent. I'm glad! But I'm lost....

I think it's time for me to try new things, to get out there in society. Honestly, the idea of sewing all day long alone in studio for another year just makes me cringe. I've been writing more, which I love, but it's still a very solitary activity. I still have to be a mother first and foremost. I still will pick my kids up from school and cook dinner, etc. But what I need now is a new opportunity, a new adventure. I suppose I can't just sit here and wait for an opportunity to knock on my door, but I haven’t looked for one in so long, I'm not sure where to start. This is where my frustration begins.

Where do I look? What do I do? Pre-motherhood I competed for seats in orchestras, I did public speaking contests and recited dramatic monologues just for the fun on it. But opportunities were EVERYWHWERE 15 years ago. Now, they are hiding and I'm not a talented “seeker.”

I like to be busy. I like to work. I can guarantee that whatever new endeavor I attempt, I will probably be the one trying too hard. I'm hard on myself, but I want stellar results, so I don't know any other way to be.

Last week, while I was alone, I shopped. I tended my potted plants and my garden. But mostly I did a lot of thinking. I'm nearly 40. My life is different and I want to find a way to embrace and enjoy it. I'm at a crossroads. It's an unnerving spot to sit, in my opinion. I need to find my opportunity – while still fulfilling all roles of wife and mother.

I'm ready. My heart is open.

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